Set Up to Fail: Why Environment Shapes Behaviour More Than You Think.
By Jason Brien.
When a child lashes out, when a partner shuts down emotionally, or when a person living with a disability resists support or appears withdrawn—our first reaction is often to look at the person. But we rarely ask a more important question: What’s happening around them? Behaviour doesn’t exist in isolation. It’s shaped by context. Our surroundings—physical, emotional, sensory, social—have a massive influence on how we act and interact. And when those surroundings are stressful, unsafe, or simply mismatched to our needs, we tend to struggle.
“You can’t expect someone to outperform in an environment that’s not conducive to performance.”
It’s true for adults, children, and people of all abilities. No one thrives in the wrong setting.
Families: Behaviour Is a Signal, Not a Problem.
In families, it’s easy to fall into habits of judgement. We label the “difficult” child, the “moody” teen, the “emotionally distant” partner. But often, behaviour is just communication—an expression of an unmet need, unspoken stress, or emotional disconnect. A child who’s always “acting up” might be anxious. A teenager who seems disinterested might feel misunderstood. A partner who avoids conversations may feel shut down or criticised in subtle ways. Their behaviour isn’t random—it’s a reaction to the environment they’re in.Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with them?” we should ask, “What’s going on around them?”
Disability Support: The Role of the Environment.
In the disability space, this concept is even more critical. When someone shows “challenging behaviour,” we must first ask: Is this person being supported in a way that fits who they are? Many behaviours labelled as challenging are simply the result of unmet needs, sensory overload, unclear communication, or routines that don’t match the person’s preferences. When we provide the right tools—visual supports, clear expectations, sensory adjustments, emotional regulation strategies—behaviour often changes naturally. It’s not about controlling people. It’s about shaping environments that remove barriers and reduce stress.
We All Adapt to Our Surroundings.
None of us are fixed in how we behave. The same person can be calm in one space and reactive in another. Confident in one relationship, anxious in another. Independent in one setting, overwhelmed in another. Behaviour is adaptive. It responds to whether we feel supported, safe, respected, and heard.When someone isn’t coping, it’s not always about ability or motivation—it may be about fit. If the environment is pushing against who they are, resistance makes sense.
So What Makes an Environment Conducive to Growth?
Whether we’re supporting a child, a partner, or someone living with a disability, the key ingredients are often the same:
- Predictability and routine
- Emotional safety (no fear of criticism or judgement)
- Genuine communication
- Opportunities to feel capable and valued
- Support that matches the person’s unique way of experiencing the world
When those things are present, people don’t just “behave better”—they actually feel better. And from that place, more positive behaviour naturally follows.
Final Thought.
We wouldn’t judge a runner’s athleticism based on how they swim—especially if they’ve never been taught to swim. The same goes for how we view behaviour. Before we criticise, label, or try to fix someone’s behaviour, let’s first ask if the environment is working for them—or working against them.